


Memory

by WhitePaintandRoses



Category: I Love Yoo (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Love, Married Life, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhitePaintandRoses/pseuds/WhitePaintandRoses
Summary: She was snoring softly between gentle murmurs of chicken wings.
Relationships: Hirahara "Nol" Yeong-Gi/Yoo Shin-Ae
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This scene came to me years ago and I was always too scared to post it because we have no idea how the story will turn out. Well, since we have been on Hiatus for a while- I figure I would honor my two favorite beans with a future filled with the hope and happiness they deserve. I tried to keep it as canon as possible. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters belong to the lovely Quimchee. I hope you are doing okay. :)  
> Some of the ideas here were also inspired by Thynovel's intriguing analyses on Instagram.

The darkness was the first thing to register in his muddled mind. Gasping for air, Nol’s green eyes darted frantically around the room. Struggling to discern his surroundings, he lifted his shaking hands to wipe the lingering terror from his eyes. 

It had been years since he last saw the source of his nightmares. The woman who made his life, his father’s life, and anyone she came in contact with really, a tangibly inescapable nightmare.

He repeated desperate phrases to remind himself she was never coming back. It had been years since her death, but torturous memories of her hid in the dark shadows of his mind. It didn’t seem to matter how hard he tried to forget. Ghosts of her still found ways to creep in and shatter any sort of peace or normalcy he tried to build.

Nol released sharp heavy breaths. Gritting his teeth, he wondered if he would ever escape her reach. The heels of his hands pressed deep into his eyes as his body began to shake. Reappearing visions of the sick witch evoked an agonizing groan from deep within his chest.

Suddenly, an icy hand grazed his bare side. His muscles tensed and his hands wrapped around his mouth to hide his silent scream. Eyes wide and unseeing, Nol refused to turn his head, petrified of what he might find. He shut his eyes tightly in an effort to will away the unwelcome presence. 

“Mmm..Chicken.”

Nol’s thick brows furrowed as his eyes fluttered open and his long fingers slowly steepled beneath his chin. The sleepy voice next to him cleared the atmosphere. Effectively freed from the confines of frozen terror, Nol found the courage to glance over his right shoulder and find the source of the small sigh. His lungs released their held breath as his pale face warmed to find his small wife sleeping peacefully beside him. She was snoring softly between gentle murmurs of chicken wings. Mouth stretched into an amused expression, Nol closed his eyes. Fingertips grazing his lips in an effort to silence a tender chuckle before it could wake her. Opening his eyes to study her, he observed Shin-Ae’s chestnut hair splayed against the shadowed pillow case. From their window came a thin beam of moonlight, which effectively revealed her relaxed expression. She looked peaceful. The moonlight also revealed freshly formed wrinkles, yet, to him, she appeared even more beautiful than the day he watched her punch orange soda out of his jacket. Nol silently thanked God she was having a good dream.

Unfortunately, he was not the only one suffering reoccurring nightmares. Although they had experienced grim events throughout their friendship, he was sad to know they had separately endured dreadful trauma long before she mistakenly assaulted him with orange soda. On nights where Shin-Ae would wake up screaming, he would find himself shoving down his own anxiety to hold her trembling body close in an effort to prove she wasn’t falling.

Yet, the nights where she would cry out for a mother who would never come pained him the most. It was a pain he knew too well. As they grew closer, they came to realize they were plagued by similar shadows. These experiences from their separate pasts enabled them to express genuine empathy and understanding. Because of this, his marriage vow to share her burdens was an easy transition for him. It did not, however, make it any less heartbreaking. He loathed the nights she woke up thrashing, not because she disturbed his sleep, but because her nightmares were caused by memories he could never protect her from. All he could do was hold her helplessly as she relived very real pain and comfort her until it passed.

A part of him wished she was currently doing that for him now. His body still shivering from his own dark memories, Nol sighed. Right now, he wanted to see her reassuring smile, her warm amber eyes. He wanted her arms around him or her annoyed scowl at some terrible joke made at his own expense.

His doleful gaze trailed her sleeping form. He stopped when he noticed his stolen Rolling Stones shirt had ridden up her stomach. Her smooth skin exposed to his sight, a deep sense of longing rose within him. Yearning for her comfort, his fingers trembled as he tentatively reached for her skin. He froze when her lips released a soft sigh. Fingers closing into a fist, he retracted his hand, choosing instead to massage his tense forearm.

As much as he craved her to ease his anxiety, he wanted her to sleep more. His sad smile vanished when his vision was assaulted by a bright light from Shin-Ae’s nightstand. Curiosity piqued, he carefully leaned over his sleeping wife. Disappointed to find a silly photo of them obscured by some trivial news article, Nol grimaced when he noticed the undesirable time glaring back at him. The sun wouldn’t be up for another three hours. With a quiet groan he cautiously retreated to his side of the bed. His skin burned red with irritation when he realized Yui managed to take another moment of peaceful rest away from him. 

“Nolan?”

“Hm?” Nol questioned tenderly. Eyebrows raised, he looked in her direction and saw Shin-Ae snore gently in response. Irritation fading, his mouth spasmed into a small smile. He still hadn’t fully gotten used to her using his given name. She had stopped calling him Yeong-Gi when they got married. It was a favor he asked her and a gift she was more than happy to give. He still remembered her brow wrinkling in confusion.

_“You want me to call you what?”_

_She questioned, hand reaching around the rusted swing chain to scratch her tilted head._

_Nol’s legs pushed him forward slightly as he looked away, dark freckles masked by the faint moonlight and warmed cheeks._

_“Nolan,” he took a breath. “ I, I mean if we- are going to be…you know-married… then I want… I want …you… to call- me…” He cleared his throat. God, he silently prayed, why was this so hard? He tried again,_

_“I want you to call me Nolan.”_

_Shin-Ae’s hands gripped the swing chains as she squinted at him curiously. Digging her heels in the sand to prevent her swing from moving, she searched his face, clearly trying to understand if he was serious. Nol struggled under her scrutiny and opted to swing forward to avoid the uncomfortable eye contact. Anxious doubts starting warring in his head._

_What if she didn’t like it? People made fun of his name growing up because it was too foreign, Would she think it was too foreign? . What if-_

_Shin-Ae cleared her throat, effectively dispelling his gathering thoughts. He stopped swinging and risked a look in her direction. His eyebrows furrowed when he took in her crimson cheeks. His fingers drumming the rusted chain, he steeled himself as she took a deep breath._

_“Wait, um,” her eyes averted as she bit her lip, “ this isn’t a sex thing is it?”_

_Nol’s head shot back and his hands went up to grasp the chains to keep him from falling._

_“Ack! Wait- what!? No no no!” he exclaimed, shooting off the swing to stand in front of her, hands held out in defense._

_“It’s not a sex thing! How would it be a sex thing!?”_

_Shin-Ae jumped up and moved beside him. He turned to face her as they stood in matching defensive positions. Her hands waving in the air, her voice shrilling three octaves higher than normal, she yelped,_

_“What! I don’t know! You hear about those people who like to be called something else in- when they-because it’s,” Nol’s eyes widened expectantly in genuine curiosity. What the hell she was thinking? He must have had the wrong facial expression because her face pinched in frustration. “ I don’t know!” she said looking away, “ Just forget it-forget I said anything!”_

_Refusing to drop the subject, Nol shook his head viciously, “Geez Shin-Ae, how could your mind even go there, what kind of things have you been looking into!?”_

_Shin-Ae turned to slap his left arm in retaliation, “Nothing! Stop it, just forget it, okay!?”_

_Nol’s eyes lit up with mirth as he grabbed his injured arm, “Oh! Is this why you’re hitting me all the time?” His hands came up to his face with a loud gasp. Grinning wildly he asked, “Shin-Ae, is_ _**this** _ _a sex thing!?”_

_Without knowing it to be possible, Nol watched Shin-Ae’s face turn an even brighter shade of red. Thrilled over hitting his mark, his gleeful laugh echoed through the empty playground. He hunched over to grab his aching side in an effort to control his roaring laughter. Shin-Ae pushed him away._

_“Damn it Yeong-gi! STFU!”_

_Nol wiped his tears and turned to face her. Her back was to him and she had wrapped her arms around her small frame in, what he assumed was, an effort to hide her embarrassment. Her proud chin was tilted high to give off an air of indifference he knew she didn’t feel. Nol couldn’t fight the affectionate smile from creeping onto his face._

_God, how he loved her._

Still smiling from the memory, Nol returned to studying the sleeping Shin-Ae. He lowered his attention. Her large t-shirt, well his, but he was not going to make that argument again, not when she looked so cute and small in his things, had ridden slightly further up. It served its rightful owner well by showing off more of her skin to his wandering gaze. Not wanting to risk giving into the desire to touch her again, he thought of another, safer way she could help him. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes. Focusing in, he allowed her steady breathing to be a balm to any enduring anxiety. Slightly soothed, he opened his aching eyes again.

There was no way he was going to fall back asleep tonight.

He also knew there was no way for Shin-Ae to help relieve him of the heavy ache in his chest without waking her up. He looked over to his nightstand. Through the faint moonlight he saw his running clothes laid out the night before. Coming to a decision, he freed his legs from their heavy mink blanket and covered Shin-Ae’s body up to her chest. Helpless, his mouth spasmed into a grin, pleased to witness her cuddling into fetal position beneath it. Overwhelmed with adoration for this strange woman he gingerly grazed her cheek.

Still in sleep, Shin-Ae reached up to hold his hand loosely. Nol held his breath.

He thought back to the first time she held his hand.

They were still only friends. His world was only beginning to fall apart and he longed for a comfort he knew he would never find. Not wanting to go home and potentially worry his grandmother with his dispirited disposition, he wandered to the nearest Wac Donald’s. Music loud to drown any noise or dark thoughts, he sat down without realizing he was waiting for something, someone. It wasn’t until Shin-Ae reached out to him that he realized he was waiting for her.

Nol smiled in the dark. Even then asking for help wasn’t something that came easy to him, her either. He had been on his own a long time and knew the pain that came from trusting the wrong people. Yet, he also knew the pain of feeling alone to the point of desperately wanting someone to step in and see you where you are. No questions asked.

That’s why he would always do too much, go too far. Even if he couldn’t have that for himself, he couldn’t stand the thought of that pain in someone else. Especially in someone he cared for.

He had tried to walk away from her that day. She had been annoyed at him in the past for randomly showing up at her work. He wasn’t in the mood to risk the inevitable self-loathing that came whenever he seemed to bother her, or explain why he had been there in the first place. Especially since, at the time, he didn’t really know himself.

Looking back now, he knew he also walked away because he was afraid. There were times when he could literally see himself in Shin-Ae. It terrified him, but it was also what drew him to her. In her, he could see his deepest desires, darkest moments, and greatest hopes.

It was why he wanted to help her. He wanted her to have what he couldn’t. He wanted to help her find a way out of the dark. Yet, that night she reached out to him in a way that left him speechless. Her optimistic smile and honest words were a balm to his aching soul. However, it was her slender fingers wrapped around his tense hands that undid him. She snuck into his darkness and shined a small light. Although he pushed her away by mentioning his (basically non-existent) girlfriend, he did not want to lose the hope she offered him. Her warm countenance comforted him in a way he didn’t expect. Especially when comforts were few to be hidden from the prying eyes of those who inflicted his suffering.

That night was the first time he really let her in. He played her his mother’s song. Unsurprisingly, she enjoyed it. He allowed himself freedom to be uninhibited.

He closed his eyes and for one moment, he was just Nol.

He didn’t have to speak, pretend, smile, behave. He could just breathe and listen to his favorite song with a friend who genuinely cared about him. He didn’t have to worry about upsetting anyone or failing to meet any expectations. The peace led him to lean in, perhaps a little too close to her. He didn’t care. So when he opened his eyes and found himself looking into pools of deep amber he didn’t look away. It wasn’t until he saw her colored cheeks still with hitched breath that he remembered himself and shattered the bubble around them.

He wasn’t ready then. She wasn’t ready then.

When his world came crumbling down, it was her who never gave up on him, even when he gave her just cause. Years later, on a lazy summer day, he found the courage to ask why she chose to believe in him. She shrugged in response.

_“I know you like I know myself. Even when I was at my worst… you kept coming back. I still don’t know why… but- I turned out okay because you were there to help me pick up the pieces.. How could I not be here to stand by you and do the same?”_

Shin-Ae sleepily tugged his arm around her side, successfully bringing him back to the present. Nol rolled his eyes and groaned softly. He called out to God for strength. He desperately wanted to talk to her.

Instead, he leaned in and ghosted a kiss to her forehead. He gingerly removed his tanned forearm from her loose grip, then deftly lifted himself from the bed to stretch his tense muscles. He turned to quietly reach for his folded running clothes. After carefully pulling up his track pants, he reached for his red hoodie and pulled it down his muscled frame. He tucked his phone and earphones into his shoes. Not wanting to risk waking her, he decided to use the guest bathroom to finish up. He headed for their bedroom door. As he snuck out of the room he jolted back as little buddy zoomed through the door and took over his place on the bed.

The old cat shamelessly curled up against his wife without so much as a glance in his direction. Nol shook his head, the corner of his mouth stretched up with begrudged affection. Relieved to hear Shin-Ae still snoring softly, he took one last look over his little family. His smile turning warm Nol whispered, 

“I love you,” and pulled the door closed behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I have plans for a second chapter following Shin-Ae as she wakes up, but it has not come to fruition yet. Maybe some day. :)


End file.
